Unbeautifully Read online

  “’Bout fuckin’ time!” Blue bellowed from his place at the bar just before “Born to be Wild” blasted through the outside speakers and drowned out the cheering.

  Eva pulled away laughing, happy tears rolling down her cheeks. He curled his hand into a fist and ran his knuckles down the side of her face.

  “There it is,” he whispered.

  “What?” she whispered back.

  “You, Eva. Just fuckin’ you.”

  They both turned to watch as Kami threw herself across the aisle at Cox. Beside them, Dorothy buried her face in her hands, her veil of red hair shielding her from view, and burst into tears.

  Mick rolled his eyes. “Idiots,” he muttered. “I’m surrounded by idiots.”

  And Danny…he paused to study his oldest daughter.

  “Mama!” Ivy cried out, bursting out of the crowd, gunning for Eva. Eva turned away from him to bend down and catch their daughter as she toddled up the stairs and into her mother’s arms.

  Deuce looked back to Danny, worried about the strange expression on her face. He followed her line of sight to…

  Ripper?

  They appeared to be having some kind of staring contest, the rest of the world forgotten, no winner in sight.

  What the fuck?

  “Yo, Danny!” ZZ said, appearing beside his daughter, startling her. She turned to ZZ.

  “You wanna dance?”

  Danny shot one last look at Ripper, turned back to ZZ, and nodded. Deuce watched them walk off—already planning on how many different ways he was gonna beat ZZ to death—then got up in his former sergeant at arms’ face.

  “What was that?” he growled.

  Ripper eyed him boldly. “What was what?”

  His nostrils flared. “You. Danny. What. Was. It.”

  “Baby,” Eva said, wedging herself in between them. “I wanna dance.”

  Of course she did. She always had him doing stupid shit like dancing. And for some reason he was always doing it, even though he fucking hated it.

  “Later,” he promised Ripper, and allowed his new wife to drag him off.

  “When can we get the fuck outta here?” he asked her.

  Laughing, she wrapped her arms around his neck and tucked her beautiful body against his. “I love you, Deuce.” She giggled. “So, so much.”

  “Babe,” he said softly, holding her tightly. “Fuckin’ yeah.”

  “One more thing,” she said.

  “Yeah?”

  “You’re mine.”

  He grinned. He sure as fuck was.

  • • •

  With Deuce as far away from Ripper as she could get him, Eva thanked god she’d interrupted the two of them before Ripper said something out of anger and blood was shed. The guy looked strung out, both pain and fury deeply etched in his features, and he hadn’t stopped staring at Danny since breakfast this morning. Glaring, really. He wasn’t even trying to hide it. It was a wonder no one had noticed yet. Although…

  She glanced around the crowded lawn, her eyes landing on Cox, who also seemed to be more concerned with Ripper than Kami’s violent attempts at getting him to dance with her.

  Danny wasn’t acting any less obvious either. And Deuce wasn’t stupid. Neither was ZZ. If Danny and Ripper weren’t careful, someone was going to put together: one, those hateful, needy looks those two were giving each other; and two, Ripper’s sudden and unexplained disappearing act, and BOOM, the mess that would follow in the wake of that discovery was going to be worse than if an atomic bomb had gone off. Deuce would know instantly why Danny had fallen apart, and his anger wouldn’t just be stemming from the secret affair but Ripper’s fault in Danny’s superseding emotional demise.

  Plus the fact that Deuce had been forced to accept ZZ as a part of his daughter’s life. That because of Ripper, Danny wasn’t just hanging around the club, she was ZZ’s old lady now. It was something Deuce had never wanted for her and had only dealt with because he’d known ZZ was the sole reason he’d gotten some semblance of his daughter back.

  There had been so many times Eva had wanted to tell Deuce what she knew, or tell Danny she knew why she was hurting, but the timing never seemed right. The family fights had been unending; neither Cage, nor Danny, nor Deuce could be in the same room and not start in on one another. Telling Deuce would have only added fuel to the already blazing fire, and telling Danny…

  She had no idea what Danny would have done. She hadn’t wanted to push her any further away, and having had no prior experience with brokenhearted teenage girls, she was at a loss.

  So she’d said nothing and though it killed her to do so, kept her distance unless her refereeing interference was needed. Eventually things began to settle. Danny would never be the same spunky, covered head to toe in pink and sparkles, sixteen-year-old girl she’d met a few years before, but the girl had recovered enough to start moving forward again and in turn, so had Cage and Deuce.

  For Danny’s sake, it was a very, very good thing Ripper was leaving tomorrow. Although Deuce had convinced him to come back to the club, not that he’d ever been truly out of it, Ripper wasn’t returning to his former sergeant-at-arms status. He was going nomad. Dorothy had already replaced the territorial rocker on the back of his cut with a nomad patch, meaning Ripper would be holding no allegiance to any Horsemen chapter anywhere in the country, but would still be accepted as a full member.

  It had taken a whole lot of arguing between the two men and a significant raise in equity but Ripper had eventually agreed, more than likely only out of loyalty to Deuce and the club. And despite Deuce wanting Ripper back one hundred percent of the time, this wasn’t a complete loss.

  Deuce had jobs all over the country that needed “taking care of,” and if there was ever anything that Ripper was good it, it was “taking care” of things.

  Just not his own things.

  Like Danny.

  Feeling Deuce’s hands run down her back, stopping on her backside to tightly squeeze, Eva smiled.

  “You ready for Belize?” she whispered, holding him tighter.

  He grunted. “Babe, I’m ready to take you inside and fuck you ’til you’re fat with another kid.”

  “Okay,” she said, grinning. “But after that, aren’t you excited?”

  He stopped dancing and pulled away from her. “Are you fuckin’ serious? You wanna go to Belize?”

  Fighting her laughter, she nodded. “Kami booked our tickets months ago. We fly out tonight.”

  Eyes narrowed, Deuce frowned. “No.”

  “Yep.”

  “No.”

  “Yep.”

  “What the fuck am I gonna do in Belize?” he shouted.

  She shrugged. “No kids, me in one of the thousands of skimpy bikinis Kami made me buy, lots of drinking, lots of fucking—”

  “Babe,” he interrupted. “You coulda shut the fuck up after ‘no kids.’ ”

  She burst out laughing. “Deuce,” she breathed out, clutching her stomach. “But you said you wanted more.”

  “Eva,” he growled softly. “I fuckin’ do. Just thinkin’ ’bout you knocked up, fat with my kid, is makin’ me hard as fuck. Don’t mean I don’t need a break from Ivy whinin’ and Danny mopin’ and Cage just bein’ a motherfuckin’ dumbass.”

  Biting her lip, she stared up at him. How could she have ever thought of leaving him? This, him, them, finally at peace, had been worth waiting for; worth the pain, the tragedy, the seemingly unending heartache. He was worth everything.

  Every single thing.

  “Babe,” he whispered. “Can’t look at me like that and expect me to be keepin’ it reeled in.”

  “Baby, don’t ever keep it reeled in,” she whispered back. “Not with me.”

  Eva watched his pupils dilate, his nostrils flare, and couldn’t contain her body’s natural response. His ability to affect her instantaneously and so completely had always been true. From their first meeting, long before the sexual pull between them took root and never let go, she
’d always been drawn to him, captivated by him.

  She’d always been his.

  She always would be his.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  “Dude,” Hawk whispered, poking Ripper in the arm with his fork. “You need to stop.”

  Ripper glanced away from Danny and ZZ to glare at Hawk.

  “Fuck you, you fuckin’ hypocrite,” he said. “And fuck off.”

  He couldn’t wait to get the fuck out of here. The only reason he was still here was because Dorothy had begged him to stay for breakfast. Which should have been quick and painless. Only he hadn’t counted on having to be seated at the opposite end of the table, directly across from ZZ and Danny, forced to watch the brother manhandle her.

  She was a goddamn motherfucking whore. Letting ZZ touch her after he’d fucked her.

  Hawk shrugged. “The boys know, brother. They been talkin’ all night about the way you two have been lookin’ at each other, guessin’ that it’s ’cause of Danny you took off. Only reason Z hasn’t figured it out is ’cause he’s always neck-deep in her.”

  He didn’t give a fuck who knew. He’d be out of here soon enough and if Deuce happened to find out somewhere down the line, fuck it, he’d be more than happy to let the guy put him out of his misery.

  “Gotta tell you, Ripper, no one’s happy ’bout you disrespectin’ Prez like that.”

  “Oh yeah,” he shot back. “You’re one to talk, asshole.”

  Hawk shook his head. “It ain’t the same, brother, and you know it.”

  “Fuck you,” he growled. “She killed my motherfuckin’ kid and you’re spoutin’ off about disrespect.”

  Hawk’s eyebrows hit his hairline. “Oh fuck,” he breathed.

  “Yeah,” Ripper spat. “So you can see—”

  Hawk stabbed him with his fork. Again. “That ‘oh fuck’ wasn’t for you, you fuckin’ asshat. It was for Danny. Shit makes sense now. Her goin’ crazy the way she did. Nobody knew what the fuck was wrong.”

  Ripper’s mouth flatlined. “If she woulda told me, I woulda come home.”

  Hawk’s face twisted with doubt. “You sure about that, dude? I mean, if that’s true, why did you leave in the first place?”

  Yeah, he was fucking sure, what the fuck was Hawk think—

  Fuck.

  Brother had a point. He’d left so she’d have a better life, one without secrets and bad memories and…him.

  Would he have come back? For his kid? For her?

  Yeah. Yeah, he fucking would have.

  As it was, Hawk only knew half the story. He didn’t have a clue that Danny had killed Nikki. No one knew except him and Danny.

  Oh, fuck.

  Cox knew Nikki was dead. And if what Hawk said was true, that the boys had figured his shit out, then…

  He glanced over to where Cox was sitting, Kami on his lap, trying to eat around her.

  He stared at his friend until Cox looked up and caught his gaze.

  And yeah, Cox knew. The motherfucker had figured it out. From the looks of it, he wasn’t happy with him either.

  Feeling sick, Ripper stood up quickly, causing his chair to scrape loudly against the floor. The entire table of brothers, their old ladies, their kids…all looked up at him and the room went uncomfortably silent.

  He felt his brothers’ eyes on him, felt the tension emanating from all around the table, and knew Hawk had been right. With the exception of a few people, the ones who didn’t know yet, no one was happy with him.

  Maybe he should have cared about that. Cared that his brothers, his only family, men he’d worked side by side with for years, killed for, and nearly died protecting, thought he was a piece of fucking garbage. But he didn’t.

  He only had eyes for one person.

  And she was refusing to look at him.

  He never should have left.

  But it was done. He couldn’t take it back and he couldn’t make it right. There was nothing he could do except add it to his long list of mistakes.

  He cleared his throat. “I’m out,” he said.

  Dorothy smiled up at him. “See you soon?”

  Everyone else looked away.

  “Sure,” he muttered.

  And left.

  • • •

  Ripper was leaving.

  Again.

  And I felt like I was dying.

  Again.

  My stomach started churning and my body grew clammy.

  This couldn’t happen.

  This couldn’t happen again.

  He couldn’t leave.

  He couldn’t leave me, again.

  “I gotta go to the bathroom,” I whispered to ZZ and quickly stood up, painfully aware of Hawk’s knowing eyes on me.

  As soon as I’d cleared the kitchen, I broke into a run, racing down the hallway, through the front room, and slammed through the front door, stumbling out into the sunlight.

  Ripper was already on his bike, stopped at the gate, punching in the code.

  As if he could sense me there, he paused and turned.

  And my heart broke for the millionth time since prom night.

  It was all there, everything he was feeling, everything I needed to know, written all over his face.

  He loved me.

  And he hated me.

  I stood there for a long time, long after the dust his Harley kicked up in his wake had settled.

  I lost something that day, a piece of me that’s still out there, standing in that parking lot, staring after the man I loved.

  In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.

  —Robert Frost

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  Life goes on.

  If there is nothing else in this world you can count on, you can count on that.

  Life will go on.

  With or without you.

  Before you, after you, all around you, life has always done just that.

  Gone on.

  After Ripper left, life went on. The world didn’t stop turning, the sun didn’t forget its nightly duty to set in the west and rise again each morning in the east. The seasons still came and went. Everything, everyone, continued on.

  Even me.

  When my father and Eva came home from their honeymoon, it was back to business as usual only my father was home a lot more. Things settled.

  And life just kept going.

  Danny D. got married.

  Cage had a girlfriend, a waitress from town, for an entire week.

  Kami got pregnant and nine months later gave birth to her and Cox’s second son, Diesel. Tegen graduated from high school. Not even twenty-four hours after her graduation ceremony, she was on a plane San Francisco bound where she’d gotten a full scholarship to San Francisco State University and an internship at a small newspaper. She didn’t come back for Christmas, or spring break, or the following summer.

  Bucket was arrested, carted off to jail out of state on assault charges.

  Then Dorothy got pregnant.

  Jase didn’t leave his wife. Other than Dorothy, no one was surprised.

  Hawk left. Went nomad like Ripper, and never came back.

  Anger, one of two prospects, eighteen years old, and half Native American, was patched in. From what I knew of him, like Dirty he too had been aptly nicknamed. Mostly, I tried to avoid him and his temper tantrums.

  And through it all, Ripper would periodically appear. He’d show up out of the blue, stay for a day or two, and then just as randomly, he’d disappear again.

  We never spoke. We barely looked at each other. But there were times when not looking was as unbearable as holding my breath for too long and so I’d give in and I’d look. And every time I did, he was looking back at me.

  The pain that followed those brief glances was indescribable. And always took weeks to heal from.

  And still…life went on.

  Eventually two years had passed, during which I continued on with school, and made a concerted effort at spend
ing more time with my family, or alone with ZZ, and less time at the club.

  And then, three weeks after I turned twenty-one, during one of the many Horsemen summer barbeques, life came crashing to a stop.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  Ripper stared at Danny. Stared at ZZ kneeling on the grass in front of her, asking her to marry him.

  He was going to flip his shit.

  These assholes all around him didn’t realize it, but they were about to get sprayed with blood, bone, and brain when his head decided to explode, which was in about five motherfucking seconds.

  Five…

  Four…

  Three…

  Two…

  One…

  Fuck him.

  Married.

  ZZ was asking Danny to marry him.

  Ah, fuck. What was happening to him? Everything inside of him suddenly felt all fucked-up and wrong. His heart started beating faster and his skin began to tingle irritably. The air around him grew thick, stuffy, making it hard to breathe. He felt lightheaded, his nose stung, and his stomach clenched painfully.

  Before he began shredding his own body to pieces, just to make all these damn uncomfortable and unwanted feelings go away, he grabbed Anabeth and yanked her up against him. She responded immediately and curled seductively around his body.

  Feeling like ten times an asshole, he kept his gaze on Danny as he groped Anabeth’s ass.

  Danny’s beautiful blue eyes filled with pain and her gaze dropped back to ZZ.

  He stopped breathing. She was going to say yes.

  Say something, his brain screamed. STOP HER!

  FUCKING STOP HER!

  But he didn’t.

  He never did.

  Because he was a useless pussy, who would never fucking deserve her.

  So he just stood there like an asshole, manhandling her friend, and watching in horrified fascination as her lips parted and—

  FUCK THIS SHIT.

  Fuck the club and the code, and fuck brotherhood.

  He would give it all up for her. For his woman. Because she sure as shit was his, and he’d go to hell and back ten times over before he lost her forever.

  He shoved Anabeth aside, his right foot moved, and…

  “DANNY!” he bellowed. “BABY!”